ABANDON
by silk1
Summary: This is Life .....River knows this...There is no way to sum this up without giving EVERYTHING a way, so take a chance! THIS IS Complete!
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: Firefly belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy ….I own zip….

NOTES: Ok. I wrote this kind of on a hunch …it just poured out and I usually don´t write R . It´s pretty much River´s POV mostly and kind of stream of consciousness even though I realize that it´s not ……

I just needed to write something other than my thesis last night so ….hope you like.

Abandon

_This__ is Life. _

_River knows this without having any other knowledge._

_This is life …this is real and true._

_Every breath, every mumbled word, every gesture ……everything runs deep ….everything is good and true. This is what being alive is all about._

_Even though it is not real…_

_They´re__ not really there.___

_Her breath grows ragged as she throws back her head.... the feeling makes her melt from the inside …makes her glow and spark._

_She got caught up in this somehow, just by sleeping …by probing his mind, sorting through his thoughts while he is asleep._

_All she needed to know, all she wanted was to be sure…to know there is no more threat to be eliminated. Somehow she got tangled up in this feverish swirl of a dream._

_Now all she knows, all she needs to know is this …_

_It wasn´t about her but it is now. She got sucked in …_

_Now all she knows is that this of all things makes her body hum, makes her flow and ebb like the sea…like a current going through her …makes her feel alive and real…_

_Rough fingers skimming over her skin, touching, feeling …making her pant…_

_Coaxing her__ to arch into this warmth, this energy …him._

_It isn´t real but it is true and she can feel it._

_He mumbles words against her skin that she cannot understand, but for once his voice is not harsh …it´s raw and painfully hoars. His fingers paint signs and symbols on her body that she cannot even decipher. His hands demanding but knowing, claiming …she was not supposed to be her. It was never meant to be her…but River doesn´t care. _

_Thought has left, the noise, the confusion …nothing matters. All is silent now, except for the whispering, the hushed tones. She swallows his moans just like he drinks the sighs from her lips and suddenly it´s hard to breathe. Her hands meander over strong arms, splaying out over muscles playing under skin…there are signs on him she can´t read either …memories, scars …._

_River stares at him, straight into those stormy eyes as the heat swallows her whole, enveloping her mind and body. And he sees her, she knows …this moment he sees. Holding, covering, big, strong hands cupping her hips and he sees just her._

_Time stops. For one blissful, silent, perfect moment everything freezes...and he smiles: feral but his eyes are kind._

_River can taste it on the back of her tongue…Abandon._

_This is life…this is alive…_

_The coals are still glowing inside her chests, but the fire has stopped raging. She can find herself again, disentangle herself from this place…his mind._

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

In her bed River rolls over onto her side, taking a shuddering breath as she opens her eyes.

She lifts her hand to her mouth, tracing one finger over her lips in wonderment….as though she can still feel ….plundering, teasing, tasting.

No deceit, no anger, no fear….just life, heat and her body singing.

Passion ….

It was truth….it was honest.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

His eyes snap open in alarm as he bolts upright out of his bed. His breathing is ragged, blood pounding in his ears. He shakes his head violently.

It makes him almost sick to his stomach.

Can´t be ….Can´t be! It was a dream…just a dream. None the less the memory lingers all too vividly. He splashes cold water into his face.

He can still feel her under his fingertips; smell her warm skin …..

Water still dripping from his face Jayne looks up to see his reflection staring back at him from the mirror above the sink. His eyes are wide and he is still breathing heavily.

Just a dream …..

Glimpses flash in front of his inner eye, skin as pale as apple- blossoms, paler than moonlight….. lips as soft as flower petals ….

He puts one hand against the wall, leaning onto it as he moves one hand over his eyes.

" Dear god …."


	2. Rapture

Disclaimer ..right like I own any of this !!!

NOTES: Have fun kiddies!!! Hope this makes Mr. Neroli ……my partner in the obsession of the Jayne…..happy!!!!

RAPTURE

DESIRE ……_ in Rivers mind it is a sound. _

_She wasn´t aware of it before, but now she knows …she comprehends the humming background noise removed from conscious thought._

_Different sounds for different people …they´re not all alike._

_And if she listens just right …she can hear, distinguish…like holding different shells to her ear…_

_For __Wash__ and Zoë it has the sound of the ocean…the sound of waves washing ashore and gulls calling …_

_Kaylee__ is like laughter, wild and carefree…unbridled.. warm…_

_The captain's need is like a waterfall …water rushing, cascading downwards …so fast, so fierce …_

_Inara´s__ is a contrast …subtle, refined and sublime…like the melodic sound of a thousand wind chimes…_

_Book is peace …silence, no raging…no fighting …but the sound of peaceful tranquillity .._

_She takes a breath to revel in it …_

_And Simon, dear Simon …slumbering under the glassy surface of self- control, a thousand horses racing over open plains …_

_The sounds make sense to her now._

_Before …she had no sound of her own, too wrapped up in the wriggling mess of her own thoughts to be concerned with things like this.___

_Now …She can hear it resonating, the sound of a gathering storm …of thunder rolling in the distance…_

_…mixing, mingling with the roaring sound of an avalanche crashing into the valley below…his sound …_

_Longing …it has a taste too. Spicy and sharp…she can taste it on the back of her tongue…rolling around in her mouth like exotic candy._

_-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

He´s not himself today. Knows why too, no need to ponder that …been having far too many thoughts pondering one stupid dream. Still …Jayne can´t help himself, looking around almost like a madman ..into the faces of the crew gathered in the kitchen area.

It was a dream …not his fault , he didn´t do nuthin´. …could happen to anyone of ´em. Still he looks at them with his sullen impression, almost fearing that they´d take one good look at him and know the score ….

She might ….she with her weird way of speaking, her crazy demeanour …..she knows things. She´d take one look at him and know …..and then?

It was a dream ….gorramit! Not his fault …..not his choice, not by a long shot!

And then she enters, hovering in the threshold with her head tilted just that way….not entering, but watching.

She enters and on the second step he looks at her across the room. River looks back at him, holding his gaze …tight, like she would hold on to the end of a rope.

Looking at him …..with that peculiar expression that doesn´t need words uttered. There´s an ocean in that look, a universe ….

And suddenly Jayne knows, biting back a fierce curse as his hands make fists…..it wasn´t just him. She doesn´t just know ….

She was there …somehow, she was there!

She lets her breath out in a tiny gasp, lips slightly parted…..

He must have gone ruttin´ mad …but this instant, looking at her looking at him like that, it´s almost enough to push him over the edge.

That small tiny thing …that drawing of air….the way the column of her throat shimmered in the light as she draws another breath….

…makes him forget everything and all.

Makes him want to grab the darn girl and kiss her ….hard. He can almost feel his hands fisting themselves into all that hair. And he knows how it would feel running through his hands. He has never done it, not even thought about it ….and yet he knows.

She's gotta be a witch of some sorts ….

There are fingers trailing down his biceps …down his arm and into his hand. Feathery touches…

She leans over him, with that serious thoughtful expression….her hair rurrounding their heads like a curtain. Somehow he knew him turning away and storming out of the mass would not be the end of it.

Knew she´d come ….not even in his dreams can a man be left in peace!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_No speech ...there does not need__ to be …hasn't slept for days, he hasn´t. Tossing, Turning …_

_ There is an undercurrent of fear in his angry look…simmering under the surface. Almost as though she can pull that out …with one hand hovering above his skin ...drawing the thoughts out of him that will not serve the purpose._

_No words to utter …no words could explain._

_Fingers settling on her thighs…digging into her skin as though he means to leave a mark.._

_" This__ isn´t real…" he reasons gruffly._

_ Her answer is a fleeting whisper..." But__ it´s true …" _


	3. SIREN

Disclaimer: Same old ..yada, yada …not mine 

Notes: Neroli …I´m so sorry! I know you are not a man ..I misspelled ..AGAIN!!!!!

The excerpts in this chapter are all from heather nova´s brilliantly beautiful songs, from her Cd SIREN!! 

SIREN

**_It feels far away ….the world, thought , everything stops … _**

**_So easy it has become …once she found the path, the way…it got easier to slip back into his mind._**

**_Hands…_**

**_Just this one word in her mind…following the searing path of them…_**

**_All she cares for this instant is the alluring sensation…that this touch can bring forth…_**

**_Igniting …sparking energy that travels underneath her skin…_**

**_His hands are big, strong …and warm, so very warm…_**

**_They could encompass her waist easily …settling on her hips, grazing lightly as though to proove that she´s really there_**

_You´re the one I think about time after time_

_You´re the one who comes to me _

_Visions in the night_

_I want to complicate your feelings_

_I want to heat you up inside _

_I want to make you mine****_

****

****

**__**

**_This is life and suddenly she can loose herself in it. She can command and conquer and divide it … she knows._**

**_Listening to the sound of breathing, feeling the rapid pulse like water racing …she can think and feel …without interruption._**

**_There is no confusion here, just simmering heat filling her up until there is no space left for anything else. Here …now ...in this …she can breathe, she can be…_**

**_Here she can loose herself…_**

****

****

_And when the stars are bright _

_Like FIREFLIES_

_And the night is black as coal _

_I´m gonna make you mine_

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They roll over and he knows it´s not real because they don´t fall off the bed. It´s madness…it repeats in his thoughts over and over …

Still, he keeps dreaming of her …like this. Third day in a row …and it does not stop. He ain´t no reader …she found this way in, he can´t keep her out.

There´s something beguiling about her, something different….in his dreams. He doesn´t know if it´s just one more trick his mind enjoys playing, but she sure turned his dreams around ….

There are things he´s never seen before …places, systems ….

It´s not real, but she caught on too quickly for him to understand …

She has her own way of doing things ….

It´s pure madness, probably her own way of driving him insane.

Looking at her face….her closed eyes…..she´s all sensation and feeling …

_On another side of time_

_Where the sea runs dry _

_I´m gonna make you mine_

_On another side of time_

_Where the love runs high_

_I´m gonna make you mine_

_------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

He turns over in his sleep and there she is.

Propped up on one elbow, smiling at him with bright, dark eyes.

Daring him to drown in those eyes….

And his first impulse is to reach out and to let his fingers play over that tantalzingly soft skin

Glowing like moonlight in the dark …

It´s not real ….but it´s true, it´s what she keeps saying over and over. Jayne can´t say he can make sense of it, but then again she doesn´t seem to expect that. She know;in her muddled mind, her strange way of thinking it makes sense.

"Shouldn´t be here, ya know?" he growles at her as she looks at him with that playful devious smile….all kittenish and sweet-like. Won´t fool him again, she won´t!

"Stick to your own dreams,why don´t ya?"

" I don´t …" she whispers softly, tilting her head back ….all that hair flowing over the smooth skin of her back.

" Don´t dream…..they took that away."

She´s still whispering, warm breath slithering over his skin like rising mist.

"Until I got jumbled…until I fell into yours, there was nothing. I wandered thoughts like a ghost until I was gobbled up by this, by you …..Rapture."

Her fingers hover over his mouth for a second, before they descend, pressing down lightly …

" Don´t ….." she shakes her head, leaning forward.

" Don´t ask…..Don´t speak…don´t ….or this might not happen…."

_My mouth is full of secrets that I´m too afraid to tell_

_And my body is full of longing for you to know me well_

_I move through the day_

_In the rythms that I´ve known_

_I´ve got this crazy dream of stripping down _

_To truth and bone_

_All of it, all of it …to truth and bone_

**__**

**_Lips….touching her fingertips, tickling her neck and cheek with his beard._**

**_Don´t …she said it, she told him ….and he accepts. No fighting, no anger …just this._**

**_Lips …Hands…she can bask in the sensationof them meeting._**

**_This is the place where they can meet. Not real …but true…._**

**_Fingers running up her arm, her shoulders….ribs and side …_**

**_Hands …carving her from stone, making her real….holding her in this place where confusion has no power._****__**

**_Holding her face in his strong hands….staring at her in wonderment, pressed against his chest …close enough to hear his heartbeat._****__**

**_Fingers wrapping around his neck, playing with the short hairs on the back of his head._****__**

**_Pulling closer, closer….feeling the definition of his muscles playing under her palms as he moves.This is a dance she never learned…._**

**_Never learned the steps ….doesn´t need to ….this is truth and it has no rules, no boundaries._**

**_Warm hands, calloused and strong ….sometimes strangely soft, tilting her head upwards to look at him._**

**_Why you doing this?_**

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

" Why you doing this?"

She´ll never make sense to him …that´s for sure. It´s not real, but it´s true …whatever that´s supposed to mean.

"Before ….I couldn´t distinguish between them and me ….didn´t know often where I stood, who I was. It´s a box of worms….their feelings and mine, don´t know who feels! Here I know it´s me. This is me feeling …."

He squints at her, brow furrowed and all.

"Let me show you …." She takes his hand, leaning her face into it and suddely she´s covered in ice…frost ….like she was glaced over with water and then left in the cold.

"Gorramit!"

He pulls back, but she won´t let go.

"This is ….before …." She pulls his back toward her, leading it from her shoulder to her collarbone….where his fingers mover over her skin the frost melts; she throws her head back in a tiny gasp. And he watches as the ice turns to water under his travelling fingers, running from her skin and hair.

"This is now…." She breathes, reaching out her own hand to hover mere inches above his skin and his eyes grow wide as tiny blue fames lick from his skin towards her hand.

It makes his skin tingle and warm, but it doesn´t burn.

_I´ve__ got a memory a thousand years old_

_And I know secrets I´ve never been told_

_I´m__ a siren_

_I´ll wreck you on my shores _

"How do you …?"

"Dreams …tell us of what we lack…we make them with our minds. Once you know …you can mold them like clay…use your imagination like you would use your hands. If you know what something is, you can call it by its name."

He looks at that tiny, slender hand with those long, delicate fingers ….still moving.

"We can burn together …."

It´s not real, but it´s true….somehow he don´t think Mal would like that explanation any better than her ruttin´ brother.

He can´t keep her out and now he doesn´t want to anymore. Never slept so soundly before…a man needs a healthy bit of sleep. She made his dreams a whole lot more interesting than they´d ever been ….a whole lot better too.

Still, somehow he knows …..one day he is going to wake up and she´ll still be there, tangled up in his sheets, curled up next to him.


	4. Epilogue

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, but I'd sure love to!

NOTES: Well ...I'm not every good at writing smut and my muse keeps wrestling with me for every word, damn her!

This is for Wenbird/ Neroli who brought me cake ...and Jayne! (Sorry it is so short, but I was afraid to spoil it all!)

Next time we should add some cream too........Ha-ha ...take that you bunny tossers!!!

Abandon was finished, but I could not resist an epilogue from Jayne's POV.

EPILOGUE

DESIRE ...._is like a fire, or so Jayne has learned. _

_It starts as nothing more than a spark, but no matter how small that spark is, the fire will find its way ,whatever stands in its path, until the flames develop a life of their own. _

_Desire ...much like fire never dies completely. It merely sleeps, slumbers until the simplest, most random thing brings them roaring back to life......until fire takes form, lifting its head like a wild beast taking in the scent of the prey._

_The sound of her steps on the catwalk, the brush of air when she walks by, her clean, fresh smell that brings up memories of linen closets and washing days ..._

_Her hands are always soothing, a touch that could quiet and tone out the world outside. In some twisted way he cannot explain, she brought peace to his dreams ..._

_She'll never be prey....._

_Like the fire, her will does not yield, does not bend ...and dreams can become as real as anything he's ever known. _

_She's the fan that breathes life to the flames. She is the soul of that fire. _

_Sometimes he cannot wait to fall asleep, to feel those hands run over his back and shoulders.To feel them pulling him down, wrapping around his neck like vines snaking their way across his mind...._

_The texture of all that white, white skin is the softest thing he's ever known...blossom sweet and beckoning him to forget himself and her and who they are...._

_There are no words; he's never been good with them. Not a doubt in his mind that if he tried....he might even wreck this. But this...fire has its own language, its own rules ....._

_She yielded, but conquered all the same ....._

_Sometimes, when he closes his eyes, he can feel what he knows by heart by now......feel it underneath his fingers. _


End file.
